So here we are, standing around Maynooth Village waiting for our train to Dublin when my friend John looks over at me and says

“Mate, let’s stop off at Maximus before we grab the train.” The idea seems innocent enough. I had never been to this chipper before so I figure I ought to give it a go. After all, it’s won several “Chipper of the Year Awards” so yeah, might as well.

“Yeah sure let’s go” I say. We walk into the chipper and I start browsing the menu.

“Get the Whirly Burger” says John. I take a look at it and sure enough it’s one of the more expensive things on the menu.

“Nah, I’ll pass. It looks nasty to be honest” I reply. After a bit of time, he convinces me that I can’t say I’ve been to Ireland unless I get this Satan Burger "Chipper Classic" so I cave and finally buy it. We had just enough time from when I got the burger to rush to the train so I didn’t open up the container until I was sitting on the train.

I can't wait to digest this monstrosity.

What have I done to myself? This colossal mess they call food was now sitting in front of me on the little table you can use on the train. It’s literally just fried “something”, mayonnaise, pickles (I think) and a whole bunch of other things that I honestly don’t care to know what they actually are. The only two things that kept me from throwing it out the window were the fact it was

A - Actually delicious and
B - You can’t actually open the train windows to throw food out. (I prefer the term "composting")

I was able to eat this thing with my hands for only about half way through before the greasy mess completely fell apart in my tray. This “burger” was now just a greased up slime ball smashed apart in the take-away tray and here I was attempting to eat this on a train with as much class as possible. Thankfully, we had remembered to grab a plastic fork and knife on the way out but conveniently we forgot napkins. Napkins…you know the thing used to clean your hands after having a greasy slime ball fall apart all over you.

Before you ask, yes, I promise it gets worse.

After accepting I’d have to finish this delicious treat straight from hell with a fork and knife, a woman decides to conveniently sit right across from me when we got to the next stop.

“Well crap” I say, as I go to clean my hands with a napkin clean my hands with the napkin I wish I had. With slime still all over my hands, I decide to just casually continue to eat it to not bring too much attention myself. My god though, every time the woman looked up at me I could see all her judging clear as day. I can't blame her really. I’m honestly a very healthy eater. I really am. But there was no way I am ever going to convince this to the woman sitting across from me that day.

When I finished that Whirly Burger I just sat quietly to myself for a while…praying I could actually digest the thing I ate and that I don’t smear all the grease on my hands all over my jeans. Normally when I eat garbage, I usually feel okay with myself while eating it and then afterwards I can let some regret sink in. This was different though. Every bite I took included a processed bun, fried meat of some sort, and all that was mixed with a big scoop of regret. Every. Single. Bite. By the time I had finished, I may as well have just committed a felony from all the regret I was feeling. But you know what, it was still…really good I guess.

I wish you the best of luck to those (brave?) few of you who do want to give it a go. It's a chipper classic after all.